Anxiety and Destiny
It’s terribly difficult sometimes to overcome the anxiety induced when given a critique by a co-worker of seniority, with their smile intact, knowing the fullness of frustration will be brought to light at a later date. Waiting to find out just how much you’ve offended another person- seemingly simply by existing- can feel almost as though you’ve swallowed an entire bottle of vinegar in one go. The diplomacy of, “we can discuss that more later… have a great day!” coupled with the shifting gaze of a more informed onlooker, can only mean certain doom in the long run, or at least that’s how it feels in the moment.
I’m not sure why a career of teaching has so many of these such encounters (as does working in the food industry), but it’s accurate to say this is quite common. Regardless of frequency, however, it’s still a staggering slap each time, and makes me question (every time) if I have chosen the right path in life. I would like to say that I am capable of finding internal peace even in the midst of constant scrutiny, but this is not true… I do find solace in my faith, and understand that God does not put before me any challenge I am incapable of facing, but I also recognize that He will occasionally hand you something just to see what you’ll do with it- and I believe He has a definite sense of humor. Feeling confident that you have acted appropriately at work is not always enough to ensure serenity beneath the microscope. And so the question begged- Will you turn to Him and ask for help, or will you become a frazzled nightmare unraveling at the seams like an old sweater? Today is one such day. It would be safe to assert that I am more akin to a moth-eaten garment in this moment than to a pillar of faith and experiential wherewithal. My heart is crying, “Teach me to stand even in the face of these torrential waves of uncertainty…” However, “drowning” may be the best word for my present emotional status. I have not learned my lesson by now, but at least He will keep trying to teach me how to interpret the occasionally convoluted engagements with others, without assuming the worst.
The real question, is whether it is more healthy to grow a thicker skin, or to dive in and allow self pity/frustration to enable deeper self reflection… Hopefully becoming a better person through the process. Or maybe I just need to be frustrated and allow myself to change course via the catalyst of other people’s discontent. This also requires mentioning my own discontent though… my husband always claims to be inspired by my rants. That may, or may not, be a good thing- what it is for sure though is a sign that I have enough passion to back up what I’m doing with my life and chart a new direction, even if the end goal is much the same, based on current emotional upheaval.
“Let it flow,” my spouse says… he is referring to my writing, but I’m more inspired to apply such a recommendation to my spinning anxiety and rumination than words on a paper (let’s be real, no one uses paper anymore- I’m recording this on my phone)- but all that to be said, Flow is the goal here, that, and Balance. Nothing like a good complaint session with my hubby to open the gates to genuine thought. Every one should find a sounding board, but make sure they truly care before you begin to bounce your ball of negativity off of them.
To make a long winded assessment short, the next day it almost always turns out to be no big deal- simply another person’s poor attempt at setting aside more time with me to discuss at length a question or concern they have, than an actual ear-chewing. The different personality types that come into play in the workplace is a guarantor of miscommunication both in speech, body language and intention. I wish I could remember such outcomes and psychological analysis each time a new situation arises, but alas, I remain in the normal human experience of day to day personal development and grounding of who I am without allowing honestly small amounts of friction to rock the boat. The difficulties faced in my line of work are well worth the rewards reaped over time- it’s only natural that there would be hills and valleys when working with others in the Arts when we are all aiming ourselves towards personal expression and passion-driven creation/education.
