Boundaries (Part #2)
I believe boundaries should not just be for your physical body and space, but they need to be addressed on an internal level as well. Having empathy for another human being (or anything for that matter) takes up space within the self. I in no way want to discourage anyone from being empathetic, but I do want to stress that you cannot have such a strong emotional connection to literally everything. Here’s an extreme example- if a woman is being beaten to a pulp by her lover, who then manipulates her into feeling it’s HER fault, that’s empathy for the wrong reasons for the wrong person- a boundary should have been erected. If you have a friend that repeatedly makes awful decisions and then grapples to find empathy from their friends and family, it may be best to reserve some of that outpouring to keep yourself from getting frustrated. You can still love them, but you do not have to allow yourself to feel “sorry.” When we allow anyone and anything to cross the boundary lines of our heart and mind, it leaves us emotionally vulnerable in rather precarious situations. Vulnerability is necessary and valuable, but too much ensures you’ll get squashed eventually.
Everyone talks about “healthy boundaries,” but how do we identify or manifest them? This is a life-long struggle since we are constantly in a cycle of hurting one another, whether we intend to or not, and then needing to forgive or rebuild trust and relationships. It is not always clear at the beginning whether or not another person will treat us fairly, so we build different walls/fences depending on recent and past experiences. The question that should be asked, is how much of another human’s burden you can or should bare, and what amount of your own burdens is appropriate to share…
Carrying another person’s responsibilities, versus helping them with excessive burdens, is a dynamic psychological dilemma you must decipher. We all must draw the line to keep from enabling others and causing a circle of dependency, while allowing ourselves to lovingly help our fellow man.
Scripture differentiates between the 2 types of loads we bare- those we are personally responsible for, and those that require the help of a community (see Galatians). Social burden sharing is necessary to keeping sane, but you need to carefully examine what you hand off, as well as what you take on, to avoid stagnation, un-due embarrassment, and emotional irresponsibility.
Children crave boundaries- they desire to be pleasing to us, therefore they need to know how to do so. If we do not offer and teach them the use of boundaries, it can only be expected that they will frustrate us or even worse, end up hurt themselves. To push those lines is only natural as our children learn their roles in the world in relation to others.
