Time Keeps On Slippin’
Days roll by right now at such a pace I almost feel as though I’m going to wake up tomorrow and be in my 80’s. The really scary part is that everyone tells you the older you get the faster it all goes.. I can’t even imagine a speed increase. We have lived in Hawaii over a year now and I still feel as though we arrived yesterday. There is a strange elongation of time that occurs when I reflect on all we have done since we moved… from friends and family made and visiting, to new jobs, housing, and adventures. Our tiny baby is now walking and has begun to speak. My adorable toddler is looking more and more like a little kid instead of a baby on stumpy little legs with an oversized head.. he started with a high and tight haircut when we moved and now he has a glorious man-mane (Ariel however still looks like a mad scientist).
The comparison of time to sand that slips through one’s fingers feels quite accurate, especially when sitting at the beach remarking how terribly fast the sun sets on a day. A breath, a vapor… Chapters of my life categorize themselves in my mind by colors, smells, sounds, and feelings. Our short duration in a dirty south Kona home was startlingly multi-hued, with the sweet perfume of success wafting in AND out while we worked hard to play hard. The common thought is that we live this #glamlife because we are in Hawaii, but the reality is quite far from that. This is a glamorous place to live, sure, but we work twice as much and twice as intensely to afford it. I don’t believe my life will always be this way, but it’s worth it, for now, to provide my children with the opportunity to engage in endless summer and be exposed to a culture of Ohana and appreciation (a few bad apples might be in the mix as well, but that’s not always avoidable).
I’m not sure if all children do this, but I know that as a child, my husband and I both had target ages for when we thought we would reach our peak as humans and look a certain way, and feel as though we had become what we were hoping to aspire to. My number was 27… His was 33. We chose these for our respective reasons, but as fate would have it, we are both reaching our number this year. I just turned 27 in August, and in March Kyle will reach 33. It is safe to say I have reached my goal in some ways, definitely failed in others, and possibly even surpassed my own expectations in some regards. I wonder if my two young boys, and any future children we may have, will also choose ages at which they expect to become “themselves.” When I told my boss at ‘Iwa café that I was reaching the year I had always hoped to have my *bleep* together, her response was, “What *bleep*? It’s a moving target you know…”
She has an excellent point, but I’m still not sure what my new target is. For now, I think I may just have to focus on today, tomorrow or at most next month, but any further than that and I start to panic and wonder if my future holds happiness, or if it will be filled with regret and shock that my children will, in fact, grow up whether I get to spend much time with them or not. The former would certainly be ideal, but the latter is also unavoidable unless I choose to shift my focuses soon and create more space to simply be.
In an attempt to escape the pain of a fleeting present, I have found myself disassociating with my life from time to time. Days, sometimes weeks, will go by before I realize I have been absent. Sometimes it’s easier to check out than to dive deeply into the emotions facing you- that doesn’t justify doing so though. It’s better to experience and let out the “ugly” than to bottle and become it. Our lives have hosted much of this in the past years, but I am happy to say I can recognize and address it now- which is more than could be said in the fairly recent past- and I am now able to stop the cycle in its tracks and speak my peace. It’s still a challenge, especially when unearthing layers buried from prior to my marriage, during, and in our current life together (as is common for most people, I’m sure).
Exhausting as it can be to ride out the necessary mountains and valleys, while still seeing some emotions for knee-jerk reactions and not actual facts, it is worth it to experience one’s life in fullness- today, not tomorrow. I could store hurt for another sunset, or we could stay up late, hash this crap out, and wake in the morning with new life like the dawn clearing the weight of all this darkness. Men and women seem to approach this concept differently- or at least my husband and I do. I am the “let’s just yell about it and finish this thing despite the rudely late hour” type, and he is the “bug off, I’m mad and tired and I would rather sleep than argue with you.”
I am not sure which side is more healthy, but I do know Biblically that you are not supposed to let the sun go down on your anger… makes sense seeing as a woman will stew till the morning and toss hateful glances across the breakfast table while she “expects” you to decode her discontent. Unrealistic as our sides may respectively be at times, both appear to have their place.
My spouse and I dream of what it will be like to be old together, and we admit to one another frequently our terror at the prospect… My hubby once said to me, “Remember, it’s not about how old you are, but rather who you are- mentally, physically, and spiritually. Are you relevant?” Now that I have kids, I try to see the youth in the old and it’s crazy because we all started as babies, but in some people, you can still fully see the youth in their wrinkle-framed eyes. There are grandparents out there running circles around my technological abilities, and there are children doing just the same. So long as I can find a way, with or without the internet, to relate to the current generation as well as the ones before and after me, I believe I’ll be able to preserve said youthfulness in my ability to connect- not to mention the fulfillment that would provide.
A parting thought- my husband once presented this concept to me:
What if when I die I get to meet who I could have been..?? The best version of me, whether I achieved it or not? A small parade of accomplishments not had? I hope I can minimize the show before it rolls into town…
True words from a man with much talent, and much expectation. We are all searching for who we are ‘supposed’ to be, but I think it will take my whole life to figure it out. The good news is I have wonderful people to share the journey with, for all of my success and failures.
